Allowing It To Get To My Head

I've been doubting a lot lately. Myself and the people around me who I care so much about but seem to hurt time and time again. It's burdening to have these unsorted issues clawed to my heart. It's more perplexing when I can't figure out why it's there.

This afternoon before I took a nap, I posted this up on my Tumblr.

The last thing I deserve is to feel bad but I do. It's a weakness. I'm weak.
This shouldn't be happening but it is. I have these pent up emotions that I don't expect you to understand or anyone to understand. If I sound like some dramatic bitch at least now you know I'm one.

I let go but it comes back like a boomerang and hits me in the face. It's freakin' painful, you know?

But I think I just need time and space. Too tired to explain myself to you, to them, to the whole world.

I'll be okay. In time. That I can assure you.

End.

After taking a nap, I realized that was all I needed. A nap. Because upon waking up, somehow whatever I was feeling-- The anger and frustration just lifted but it was replaced by a tremendous amount of guilt.

What exactly happened?

Too much going on in my life.

I felt at my lowest.

I allowed it to get to my head.

But what triggered it was what happened in the past.

You may think that it's a dumb excuse but the last place you would want to visit is your past. It's a very dangerous place. It does things to you even if it were a short visit. When you come back to the present, you turn into an entirely different person because of it.

Look what it did to me.

I became angry.

Cold.

Unsympathetic.

I questioned a lot.

What drove me mad was the thought, "Why didn't you stand up for me?"

Which led me to think that you never cared enough and that during these pit falls of mine, you were never there to catch me.

It was wrong to even think that.

I can't blame you for what's happening. I can't blame you for anything. I know now that I love you enough to let it slip. Rather than losing you. That would be the worst thing that could happen.

It's to blame on my part.

I don't speak my mind. I don't express myself the way you do. And to expect you to read my thoughts is stupid. So, yea. I make things complicated for myself and the people around me. The thing is, that's me. You'll end up scratching your head trying to figure me out on most days and that's how it's always going to be. I'm not going to change. I can't.

I've come to understand that you don't understand and it's okay. Really.

I've stopped being pissy. I let it go. Whatever issue that was, it clearly should just be left alone. It was wrong to question our friendship. I think I just wanted you to finally choose a side but that's just selfish.

The thing is, now I realized that I want you to make a stand for yourself. Not for me but for you.

You'll never figure out what I'm talking about but it's alright. You seem to be fine with things that are happening. It's best if you don't know what is happening. I'll try my best on my part to see that you won't get hurt because of it.

And I promise you. I will never hurt you again.




But.

Truth be told.

It hurts me.