There was a time I was stuck in a severe situation where I had to make choices which risked a lot of things. My friendship. My happiness. My values-- What I thought I could live by but failed at tremendously in the end.
Yea, I sort of thought I was able to make things work out but the fact was, I turned a blind eye on things that matter most and ended up hurting others, including myself.
My nature is to help those who seek my help and being there for them when they need me.
I was sought after.
I was needed but I guess for all the right reasons and sacrifices I willed myself to make for that person, all of it was taken for granted. My good intentions were abused and all I got in return was a lot of pain.
I'm not really that kind of person who just opens up to just about anyone. I'm closed but not cold. I rarely open up to those I'm not familiar with.
I guess this particular person who's almost like a stranger was a special case. I just had the strong need to help as much as I can and this was only because of all the people in the world, I was sought after.
Why me?
It had to be me.
So broken.
I never knew a person could be so broken and I was in love with that brokenness. Every single fragile piece. Well, it could have been any broken human being on the face of the earth and I will gravitate to that brokenness. So, I regarded my own well-being and while trying to mend the fragments together, I received so many cuts in return which I failed to notice until it was too late.
I guess I got myself mostly to blame for that. I just feel a strong connection to broken people. Sounds morbid, huh? But it's a fact.
Well, all of my efforts have gone to waste, just so you know. I tried. I really did. I had high hopes to be able to fix this broken person. So many chances were given. In the process of doing so, things which mattered more started to break too. Whatever I had done made no difference. The more I pieced the pieces together, the more they fell apart. In turn, that just broke my heart instead. Nothing I did was good enough. I grew frustrated. I became so miserable. I was unhappy.
Though dependable the person was on me, I just had to end it. I had to break promises and as selfish as it sounds, I had to cut myself out from that person's life and walk away.
Yea, I guess I gave up on that person but honestly, I was doing us all a favor.
How? Well...
I had to come into terms with reality.
The reality is, we can't save everybody.
So I saved myself instead.
You see, I believe that a broken person is only broken if he/she chooses to stay broken. A broken person can only be fixed on their own terms and in their own time. Others can only assist the best they can by supporting, encouraging and caring for the broken. If they themselves won't allow to be healed, whatever others do is pointless.
So, the final option for me was to stop being depended on by that person and allowing that person to come into terms with their inner demons. It's something that can only be faced by that person alone. I did my part. It was time I gave that person a chance to find their way, stand on their own two feet and realizing that they're just as broken as they want to be.
I know for sure I don't want to be broken or stay broken.
And so, I got on with my life because for a moment there, I forgot my happiness was just as important too and being broken over and over again isn't my favorite thing.
I just hope I'm not resented for what I did. My intentions were in all honesty sincere and all I wanted was the best for that person. For everyone.
That person's intentions may have been good as well but I believe what Daniell Koepke has to say:
Because of what happened, I've learnt a lot. I've learned to place my well-being first. I've learned that different circumstances calls for different sacrifices and that some sacrifices are not worth it especially if your own happiness is on the line.
I don't regret any of it. They needed to happen. It's how we grow. I guess it's something to be grateful for for it has changed me for the better.
From the time I opened my doors to the day I closed them to you, I have and will never stop caring. It's just that it's better this way.
With that, I let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment