Future Troubles

HELLO

I seriously cannot believe that you are here!

How time woooshesss by so fast!

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Esa thinks her enthusiasm of wanting to rule the world by first reaching her dreams of becoming a lawyer or some business mogul (or someone just very rich and powerful) has rubbed off on me the wrong way.

I don't know whether that's the case, or if it's just me or if this just came out of the blue but I'm really starting to panic over my future...

My little sister has amazing dreams and goals that she is uber determined to achieve in her life. She's 18 this year and she has already started carving that path for herself and I admire that most about her. She knows exactly what she wants and she knows precisely well how to get it.

At times, I go green eyed because of that.

It's something-- A trait, a strength, a gift which I really wish I had.

As far as I know, I had dreams that just went down the drain.

I wanted to be a fashion designer.

I wanted to be a journalist.

I wanted to be a teacher.

BLAME INDECISIVENESS!

Today, well... I'm taking up business with no plans at all about venturing into entrepreneurship or the likes of it and ending up with a 9 to 5 job, in an office, inside a cubicle. The thought of it disgusts my inner being. REALLY! I don't want to end up with that kind of career.

So, yea... I still haven't gotten anything figured out yet. Taking this course was just a pit stop actually to get myself together (after the qutting TESL incident) to find out what I really wanted to do. I was hoping this business thing will sink in but more than 2 years has gone (and WOW, I haven't realized that much time has passed) and I'm still stuck.

I'm turning 22 to this year and I still have no bloody idea what I want and what I'm supposed to do with my life!

Sigh. This is a problem with me. I go with the flow too much. I'm being swept away by the currents and thrown and trashed around to I have no freakin' idea where. It feels like I'm going no where in my life actually! It's very frustrating because at this point in life I'm already supposed to KNOW but I have no clue. What the hell is my purpose? *crickets*

Anyway, I feel a little better compared to the last few weeks. What made this issue of mine a little less painful was my very own baby sister.

For someone her age, sometimes she really knows just the right thing to say to knock some sense into my head.

She told me that not everyone is the same. Not everyone can figure out what their purpose is, who they're supposed to be or what they're supposed to do overnight. For some, it really takes time-- And a hell lot of patience. People will eventually find their calling.

That really stopped me from losing my mind further because for a moment I think I was going to turn into a wreck. I guess I was just scared of repeating the same thing like I did with TESL-- Quit because I wasn't interested and I had to start all over with business (which is also not in my interest). I was also afraid about not knowing what exactly will become of me in the future. It's the thought of not knowing which really just freaks me out. Sigh. But I realize I shouldn't worry so much. There's really no point now because it will just add on to my confusion and indecisiveness. So, past aside.

The only thing I know is that I won't settle for an 9-5 office job because that's not me. I don't want that. Well, still bothered at the fact I'm clueless but not entirely. I just came up with some back-up plans with the help of the brilliant minds of my sisters. I'll discover myself soon. Everyday is a chance to do that so I'm going to take it a day at a time. And instead of moping away about it, I'll look on the bright side of it and be grateful that I still have time to figure it out.

I also need to bear in mind that in order to discover what my purpose in life is, I must eliminate all self-doubt. I think that's another reason why I was upset. It's normal, yes-- To have self-doubt but I think I underestimate myself too much and the things which I am capable of doing. I know I can do whatever it is I set my mind and heart to.

And... I must also remember that God has a plan for me and I honestly, truly believes that He does.

For now, one of my option includes graduating with a diploma in business and taking some time off from studying. I want to work under a 3 year contract (if I do get the job, that is) and travel at the same time. At least I get to earn my own living and at the same time explore more options and figure out my purpose. When I'm done with that, I'll get back to studying and continue my degree. I spoke to Mum and Dad about it. They weren't happy. Almost argued about it but the talk just ended up with bitter tears on my side. They really want me to graduate with a degree as soon as possible and they're afraid that once I start working, I'll lose the momentum to continue my studies after. 

I haven't really changed my mind about it. Anyway, Mum finally told me last night that if I do end up choosing that option, I have her blessings which is a relief for me. Only thing now is Dad... Sigh.