Only Heaven Knows

I know it's been a long time and most of the time, I'm either left with nothing to say or I just don't know how to put everything down into words. It starts with me being in denial. I couldn't accept what was happening. In the end, I have these pent up emotions that I refuse to just let go of. I bottle them up so long that my heart feels as though it's about to burst. Now, I have these cracks that won't heal. I guess it's just waiting to break completely. All I can say is that, it hurts so much.

I realized all this while I've been no one but the middle person. I sit on a high fence between people who I care a lot about. People who I feel obliged to take care of. Unfortunately, these two sides are like fire and ice. A part of me got burned and another part of me feels frozen and numb. Because I feel the need to please everyone, I lost my balance. I didn't know how to make things work out and instead of making things right I just end up making it worse. So, I took a hard fall. I fell pretty hard. Sad thing is, there wasn't anyone there to break my fall. No one was even there to help me up.

That's how I feel. I don't think anyone knows it. I have no one but myself to blame, I guess. Things have just gotten so out of hand. Misunderstandings after misunderstandings. Disagreements after disagreements. They just left me really confused. People don't realize that even when I'm around a large group of people, all I feel is alone.

I try but what I do will never be good enough but I keep trying anyway to make things better even though I don't see how that's going to happen. Either way, whatever I do, I'll still end up being the bad person. The friend who failed. I wake up in the morning hoping that the day would turn out okay but most nights I will end up crying myself to sleep.

I don't know anymore. Where to go, what to do, who to turn to during these hard times. I can't be around anybody without having my thoughts elsewhere. I can't be around anybody without feeling as if I betrayed another. Some people think it's easy to sort this out but I've got so much going on in both my head and heart that I don't have control over them anymore. These are not the only things I have to live with and these aren't the only problems I have. It's upsetting people don't see that.

I look outside my window and all I see are gloomy shades of grey for the past few days or weeks even. It's as if the heavens have painted my sorrow and anger in the skies. I guess whatever I'm going through, only heaven knows.